Glass
by ForeverCarby
Summary: The final Chapter! Everything's gonna be all right.
1. Will i ever find out?

Title: Glass  
  
Rating: Pg -13 (let's just be on the safe side!!)  
  
Disclaimer: I wish I did but, no I don't own any of the characters of ER you know the score!  
  
Authors Note: Please don't let this put you off but yes this is my first fic and personally I'm pleased with it. But I just want to see what all you guys think of it! It's a little carby stand-alone that takes place after the end of 'When Night Meets Day'. I do have more stories in the pipeline but I want to see people's reactions to this one first! So enjoy, and please, PLEASE review!!! Oh and by the way the song i've used is 'Evanesance- Going under'  
  
Abby's POV  
  
" It's not Rio, It's not here"  
  
That's it?! That's really it? He's gonna go and leave with things left unsaid?  
I stand here frozen, and not just because of the biting wind that's forcing me to pull my jacket closer around me. I stare after his retreating figure- he's running away, this isn't right, that's my 'thing'.  
  
I turn on my heel and head back into the the ER he wasn't gonna tell me, he wasn't gonna call me, he wasn't even gonna leave a message, he's gone, I don't understand.  
  
"I feel Broken, like smashed glass"  
  
Okay, maybe if all this mess wouldn't of happened with my problems with finding Eric and his with his grandmother, we'd still be talking, being normal, being 'Carter 'n' Abby'.  
But I tried, I really tried, I said I'd come straight back with Eric after finding him, I was unbelievably sorry about the funeral, I was gonna stop by the house, but he pushed me away, he couldn't see how sorry I was, he pushed me as far away from him as he could, out of his life for the past week. And now he thinks going halfway across the globe, to a war torn country, is a good way to get away from me.  
  
You know- if that's his way of doing 'this' maybe I shouldn't bother anymore, i've spent too much time, too much pain, too much of me over him. It makes me wonder, as I jam my things in my locker with such force, was this relationship doomed from the start?  
  
"Okay Abby your thinking way too much" I say aloud to myself to no-one in particular.  
  
This past week has been crazy, i've been leaving calls on his cell, his  
home phone- no reply but stolen glances across a gurney, no words but medical instructions, but fired to eachother with such force, I should be  
flat on my back.  
  
" I'm not going to cry. I have no more tears to cry"  
  
It seems to be a thing in my life, all I get is failed relationships, is some-one trying to tell me that there's nobody out there for me?  
  
And for one time in my life I let him in to 'my world' I him told everything he needed to know, I showed him the 'real' Abby, I let him help me.  
  
Mistake-  
  
He knows my weak spots, he know where I'll fall, he can read me like a book-  
  
This is why this hurts,  
  
This is why I can't let him back  
  
This is why,  
  
I love him.  
  
Now I'll tell you what i've done for you,  
50 thousand tears i've cried,  
Screaming, deceiving  
And bleeding you,  
And still you wont hear me  
  
Don't want your hand this time ill save myself,  
Maybe ill wake up for once,  
Now tormented daily, defeated by you, just one night  
I thought id reach the bottom. 


	2. A shoulder to cry on

Hey guys! This is the second part of Glass, I'm sorry it's been a while since I updated, and yeah I know I said it was only going to be a standalone but after someone suggested I carry on and, I got my pen to paper (or rather fingers to keyboard) I came up with this! I hope you enjoy it and its not too angsty but when I write angst I can never stop! Where this story is going I haven't a clue but ill have to see how it goes! Also, please , PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW! It's my source of inspiration and makes me know if you people actually are reading this it boosts my confidence in writing so just hit that lil' button at the bottom....PLEASE!!! Also I hope this story is a little bit longer than the last! So now ill shut up and let you read!  
  
"Abby!"  
Just keep walking; it's only 5 metres to the lounge... "Abby!"  
1 metre... "Hey!"  
Half a metre... "AB!"  
I'm at the door... "Dammit abby, it's only me" Susan says catching up with me and grabbing my arm. I reluctantly turn around. "Hey" I smile weakly, "You off anytime soon?" Susan asks brightly, "eeerrr at 8..." I say walking into the lounge and going to my locker. "Wanna go out tonight?" she grins mischievously "Sus... I can't i'm tired enough as it is..." lame excuse I know but anything goes, I just couldn't stand a night out with a very happy Susan at the moment. "Oh come on ab, you've been so down lately. I looked at you in that trauma and thought you need some cheering up". "Susan..." "Okay, how about my place, take-out?" she interrupts. "Susan, I ca..." "Or, your place take-out and a movie?" she's now grinning eagerly at me almost begging on two knees. " Susan, really.." I run a hand through my mussed up hair. She looks desperate. "Oh all right then" I agree "Great!" she smiles "9 okay for you?" "Yea that's fine" I smile half-heartedly opening up my locker and grabbing my purse for an aspirin for my thumping headache. "Cya later then!" she smiles heading for the door as a trauma rolls in. "Cya" I say slamming my locker door shut.  
  
Okay here I am at this little Cafe place round the corner from county that has become my break 'hide-out' now Mcgoos has gone. Fortunately the only county person who comes here is a guy from OB that I don't know so really i'm here by myself in this corner booth. I stare into my coffee for the millionth time in the past five minutes trying to see something in it. And all I can think about is 'Him'.  
So yeah 'he' has been gone for over a week now, and I don't think I can stand it much longer. I just want him home so I can find out if he really did dump me or what, I cant seem to do anything else but think of him. My life consists of get up, go to work, come home, lounge around, and go to bed. People would say I was depressed, maybe I am, but all I feel is hurt. The guys at work I think haven't really cottoned on to why i'm this down; they just get on with their jobs. Susan is being quite sweet toward me, but really i'm not in the mood for being 'happy Abby'. I'm just glad no one is treating me like some glass vase, that's why i'm not giving in to the ' Abby how are you?' and things like that. Because otherwise they'll treat me like some distraught person and lock me away in quarantine so no one else could hurt me...quarantine...argh! Why is every single thought of mine centred to him? John Carter.  
Just as I down the last dregs of my coffee my pager beeps. Oh god its yet another trauma, here goes getting home early.  
  
" You have 2 unread messages" Hi Abby its just Susan here wondering if everything is all right for tonight ring back if its not cya later girl!!  
"You have one unread message" Abby sweetie its just Maggie here um actually this can wait ill call you later, forget it bye!  
  
In was in two minds to pick up the phone and call Susan off, but then deciding that maybe I really do need to cheer up I didn't bother. Maggie...why has she rung? Its not like she does that very often, but i'm not in the mood to argue with my mother so I will do just what she says... forget it!  
Looking at the clock, it's quarter to 9, crap! Sus is gonna be here. I run around my kitchen and living room clearing up all the junk that's acuminated over this past week and stuff it in the bin. I jump in the shower, and then change into something other than my sweatpants and NYC logo tee. And choose my jeans and my black top. Just as i'm about to dry my hair the doorbell rings. I quickly tie it up in a scruffy bun and head to the door. "Susan" I try and look as happy as I don't feel "Ab!" she comes in arms full of pizza boxes and videos. "Ready to chill?" she asks " Yea" I smile "What you get? I ask looking at the boxes "Oh pineapple and ham pizza, and pepperoni and a selection of movies. "Sounds good, do you want some plates?" "Nah lets just use the boxes" Susan smiles as we head over to the couch.  
  
Two hours and half later the film finishes. It's was some silly romantic comedy that really just made me think about a load of things i'm trying so hard to forget about. I'm so glad the other film she brought was The Matrix. "Abby?" "Huh? Yea?" I awake from my little daydream "You okay?" "Yea, fine" shit I knew this was gonna come up some part of the evening "No, ab in reality here" she switches off the telly and looks me in the eye "Susan there's nothing to worry about i'm...im..Fine"  
She sighs and looks away. Really, I could do with someone to open up too but then again like iv'e said before I can't. "Ab, come on who are you trying to kid I've been watching you all week, you're withdrawn, tired, irritable and a bad idea to talk to. I have a pretty good idea what's wrong but I want to hear it from you..."  
What the hell is Susan always the good friend why can she always seem to make me talk about my boyfriends or more so Carter. "I'm gonna wait all night for you to say something so don't think i'm gonna let you get away with this." I inwardly sigh; it's now or never...  
I brush the strands of hair away from my face, pull my knees tight up to my chest and turn my head and look out the window at the steady raindrops falling down the glass. "It's just......" I pause looking at her, please not again; I can feel the burning in my eyes and a lump in my throat... "Susan...I don't know what's going on....."The tears fall steadily down my cheeks just like the rain. It's gonna be a long night, I can tell.  
  
Hey looky looky! It's the review button! Make my day and leave a review.please?!!!! 


	3. One half of this problem

Silence. Well actually not really because Susan's with me and i'm crying. Again. I've never broken down like this before in front of anyone, well apart from carter....  
  
"It's okay" Susan coo's rubbing my arm. I sniff i've gotta tell someone I have to.... this is killing me. "Sus i'm so sorry" I sob "Why? You shouldn't be, just take your time"  
She offers me a tissue from the box on the floor i've had there for certain moments i've had all week. "You shouldn't have to put up with my problems" dammit Abby I thought you were going to tell her?! "Ab, you've got to tell someone you'll make your self ill."  
Good old Susan making a good reason why I should. We sit in silence for a few moments while I gather my feelings all together and stare at the wall.  
  
"It's stupid, I should forget and move on with my life I should go out have fun with my friends... I mean friends come before boyfriends huh?" I almost manage a small smile.  
  
Susan smiles back at me lost for words.  
  
"It's all right to cry ab, sometimes it's the only thing we can do... and anyway everyone has a time where they 'mourn' so to speak after the other half" "But no..........no I don't know if he dumped me or not he didn't say it as if he did, but I keep playing that moment in head over and over again and it comes clearer every time, he did dump me" "Look, maybe you two need some time away from each other..."  
  
I think about that...really I do need to move on, he has...why shouldn't I?  
  
"I just can get over the fact he wasn't going to tell me" I blow my nose, wiping the last of my tears away with the back of my hand. " Look even carter can be a jerk sometimes, all men are" Susan has to laugh at this and I cant help joining in, its pathetic, what she said wasn't even funny.  
But even though i've only told her half of my problems I feel so much better and this laughing is contagious.  
"But when he comes home what the hell am I going to do?" I ask my laughing suddenly disappearing  
  
"Tell him how you feel sort it out" Susan offers he smile fading too. "Mmm" I mumble getting up and going to the kitchen  
  
Yeah, its all very well I think, saying talk sort it out but I know us, I know that an adult mature conversation with us will turn into a blazing row, him or I walking out, or on the other hand I'll totally say something wrong, the first thing that comes into my head and then ill blow it all. A fresh tear falls down my cheek. I wish sometimes I'd let my heart do the talking not my mind. Because I know what my heart wants and has always wanted. But I may never get it...  
  
"But i'm sure even if you both have a period apart you two wont be able to stay away from each other, and I know that because you've done it before and you'll do it again" Susan says from the couch breaking me from my thoughts as I sniff quietly.  
  
"Yeah" I smile going back to her with a glass of water "But do you think he'll let me ever love him again?" I almost whisper that's probably the first time i've ever said to anyone that I love him. "Yes" Susan says confidently "I'm sure it will turn out fine okay and you two will be that sickenly happy couple that both used to be" she adds. "Yea" I whisper tracing the rim of the glass with my finger  
  
We sit in a friendly silence for a moment when suddenly Susan gets up and collects the pizza boxes from the floor and takes them to the bin. "I better make a move" she's says ejecting the tape from the machine. I look at my watch...crap, its quarter to midnight! "Oh god are you working tomorrow?" "Yea, but not till, twelve so its not so bad" "Well at least you get a lie in i'm on at 9" "Oh dear" Susan smiles getting her coat from the stand by the door I get up and follow her to the door "Thanks" "That's okay" "No really Susan, what I just told you, I didn't mean to weigh it down on someone else but I needed to do that, that's only half of my problems at the moment but thanks so much"  
I notice that she's glancing at me in a slightly weird way, but I go to hug her and she hugs me back. "Anytime" she says over my shoulder " Just come to me when you need to that's what i'm here for" "I will," I say breaking free and moving to open the door "Take care of yourself okay?" she adds standing at the doorframe "Susan, don't you worry about me ill be fine" She looks at me as if to say 'or-else' "I'll see you tomorrow" "Bye" "Bye" I lean against the doorframe myself and watch her go down the stairs into the night the cool breeze from downstairs rushing up to meet me.  
I turn on my heel and head back inside slamming the door I suddenly feel deflated, like the little bubble I was being cheered up by with Susan, has been burst and i've returned to reality. I walk through to my room and sit cross-legged on my bed burying my head in my hands, raking them trough my hair I rest them on my chin, I sigh.  
  
"I needed to do that, that's only half of my problems at the moment but thanks so much"  
  
I replay that sentence in my head...  
  
Only half my problems........  
  
The other half is staring me straight in the face, but i'm just to damn scared to admit it...  
  
A/N. Third part of Glass! Hope your enjoying! I'd like to give a HUGE shout- out to my bezzie mate LEX-M!!! You're a star! And thanks so much for your suggestions that helped me with this chapter! You rock! Also I would to thank MANDI, NIKKI, TRACEY and MBERGER88, because you guys are my amazing reviewers! You give me inspiration to carry this story on THANK YOU! So if you want to be an 'amazing reviewer' you know just what to do!!!! REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!! 


	4. Second half of this problem

A/N: YO dudes! It's me again with my fic Glass!!!!! I hope this is still going okay and everyone is enjoying, I may be using every single fic cliché, espesh in this chappie, BUT its my fic, and although I didn't plan how it was going to go, and actually I had no idea were it was going to go, you reviewers gave me some ideas, and if that's what you want to read well, that's what you'll get. But I want to know also if your not enjoying it, I LOVE constructive crit! The next chapter may not come so quick foe a while (I've got into a nice writing frame of mind at the mo that's gonna have to be put to rest for a bit!AAARRGGHH!!! I need to write more!!!!!,) i'm away for the next week, but I promise when i'm back you'll get more! So please REVIEW that's what gives me the inspiration to keep going, without the reviews you would get no story so please, please PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!  
  
DISCLAIMER: Do you no what the whole cast are crammed into my closet yelling at me to let them out but i'm not gonna!!!! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!!!! (Evil laugh...or maybe not) OKAY OKAY TPTB are on the phone...yes you can have them back............do you really think id have them???!!!!!! In ya dreams girl in ya dreams!!!!!!!!  
  
P.S The song used is by the BEAUTIFUL, CONFUSING, ILLOGICAL, AMAZING LIFEHOUSE!!! The song is 'The beginning' THIS BAND ROCKS!!!!  
  
Now ill let you read in peace.... enjoy folks!  
  
Abby Lockheart.Abby Wysenski.Ab.Nurse They all mean one thing, Abby. She's my friend, we have been for about 3 years now and only relatively recently has our friendship has become more. And right now I know something is totally wrong with her. I went to see her last might. Well I kind of forced myself to go round for movies, pizza and a chat. The 'chat' being the most important thing I was planning on doing.  
  
Since cater left for the Congo, I knew something was up. She came in to work that night totally pissed. And no I don't mean in the alcoholic way just pissed off with everyone, everything. I've tried to get through to her since then and all I got was the usual abby response of 'I'm fine'. Which even Chen and chuny have been noticing- infact most of her colleges have been wondering about how she really is inside.  
  
So last night I managed to get it out of her I wasn't gonna leave without hearing the truth from her. And I think she realised that in the end she needed to tell someone, I mean she told me that herself. I actually managed to get her to tell what was wrong. Carter. I mean I knew it was going to be Carter but when it comes to this couple it's always something complicated, it can never be simple with them. She told me how she feels, I told her what I think she should do but the thing that is nagging at me is one of the last things she said to me.  
  
"That's only half my problems..."  
  
Half. Half of a whole. Half past six. Half full. There's something else. Something else bothering her. That she couldn't tell me outright. What the hell could it be? She's gone back to drinking? She's met up with someone else? I don't know I'm sure she would of told me, I'm sure, but then again she has her dark moments, and she's going through one of them right now. I'm gonna have to try and help her sort this problem whatever the other part may be, because its only four days till Carter gets back. Four days till she finds out the truth, it sounds dramatic, maybe it is, but I know that neither one of them will come out happy in this. But then maybe the opposite will happen, that they'll sort this out, I hoping they do get back but then again that's my optimistic side coming through!  
  
"Susan what the hell are you doing? Get yourself out here we have a trauma" weaver hollers through the lounge. Okay so i've got caught up in thinking leaning with my chin on my hands on the table staring aimlessly at the door but hey come on even I have my mystical moments!  
I haul myself up tiredly and head out, its relatively quiet but this one trauma's come in. I head to trauma one hoping for some easy broken leg or something, but as I look through the glass of the door I notice weaver and haleh looking totally shocked staring at the patient not actually doing anything.  
  
"Hey guys come-on we have a patient," I say bursting in They remain silent, but as I go to the foot of the gurney I have the shock of my life.  
  
"Abby?!"  
  
"Yeah, um right" weaver stutters beginning the procedures, although ab looks pretty unscathed.  
  
"What happened?" I ask moving up to the head of bed.  
  
"Her neighbour found her unconscious in her apartment, she called an ambulance"  
  
"Oh god" I whisper thinking of all the things that could of happened, but the weird thing is that she, apart from being unconcious, looking very pale and has a bruise on her face, looks fine.  
  
"Haleh can you take the blood and all vitals please" I ask hooking ab up to a heart monitor. The machine flashes into life and everything is looking fine, her heart rate is slightly fast but nothing to worry about. And her BP is relatively normal  
  
"Kerry?" I ask  
  
"Yea" she replies lifting abby's shirt to do an ultrasound  
  
"What do you think has happened" okay that was probably the most stupidest thing to say seeing as i'm a doctor and meant to be finding these things out.  
  
"I'm not so sure although I think she's just collapsed from exhaustion."  
  
I nod in agreement, while watching Kerry set up the ultrasound. Seeing there wasn't anything for me to do I looked at the peaceful abby, her blonde hair fanning over the pillow, I take her hand and hold it.  
  
"Ab, what's wrong?..... Come on girl it's gonna be all right, just wake up for us" I whisper. It may sound strange to the onlooker but to me it means a lot.  
  
"Susan" Kerry's voice breaks me out of my thoughts. I look round  
  
"She's pregnant"  
  
My jaw drops, I grab the monitor and stare at it. Sure enough there's a tiny baby right there, alive, heartbeat strong totally and completely real. Just at that moment haleh rushes back in with the labs. She sees us staring at the monitor and doesn't ask she simply says.  
  
"8 weeks".  
  
Errggh, my head. I try to open my eyes but they seem glued together. I force them open; the room comes slowly into focus. Shit what am I doing here? I look round and realise I'm in a hospital room in a hospital bed lots of wires attached to my chest and stomach. I try to sit up but my head spins so I flop back down. The last thing I remember getting up this morning and getting ready to come to work. Why am I here?  
  
I close my eyes again this seems all to much to take in. but before I can drift off into a dreamless doze I hear the door suddenly burst open.  
  
"Abby?" I look up as much as my spinning head will allow Susan takes a seat from the corner and brings it up to the bed sitting down. "How are you?"  
  
"I feel like complete crap," I mumble  
  
She smiles looking the other way  
  
"What happened this morning?"  
  
"I don't know" I say truthfully  
  
"Did you have a breakfast?"  
  
I stay silent for a moment  
  
"No"  
  
"Did you eat anything before I came to see you last night?" Susan now looks very serious  
  
Is this some sort of quiz? Do I win some amazing prize at the end? Can't people just understand that I don't want to talk?  
  
"Abs"  
  
"Look Susan why does it matter? Cant I just have something to myself, I don't need to be looked after I can do that myself I don't need some nanny looking after me 24/7 i'm a full grown adult for goodness sake" I close my eyes realising that I just yelled at Susan. But what the hell i'm not some untouchable vase.  
  
"Abby, the reason you should be eating and the reason i'm so worried about yourself is because you should be looking after yourself and I know your not, and you need to be looking after yourself now even more so because......, because your pregnant"  
Susan finishes but she whispers the last bit staring at the floor.  
  
I keep my eyes closed they burn and a single tear manages to find its way out. I bring my hand to my face trying to shield it from her view. But all of a sudden I can't control myself anymore. I cry, and this isn't like the quiet sobs I had last night, this is me crying out all my feelings.  
  
Susan stands up and comes to hug me but I swat her arms away and turn over away from her, I don't want to talk I don't want to be seen. I want to wake up and find out that this is all some crazy dream and this isn't real that i'm at home in curled up on the sofa in the arms of carter. No. No.NO!  
  
When I wake again the room is dark all apart from the little lamp on the wall beside me. I'm still at county; i'm still in this bed. But Susan's gone or at least I think she is. "Your all right now?" she smiles coming in, in your 'normal' clothes she must of finished her shift and come to see me.  
  
"Yea"i mumble.  
  
She sits next to me again in exactly the same place.  
  
"I thought I better come by and check on you and say sorry"  
  
"Sus"i protest  
  
"No I was wrong to say what I said"  
  
"I was the one who yelled" I almost smile  
  
"But really I was in doctor mode not Susan mode" she smiles at me  
  
"I was you patient," I add  
  
"Yea but your my friend and I wa...." P "Sus just shut up," I laugh  
  
"This argument could go on forever!"  
  
"Yea" she laughs looking away  
  
"I knew" I say after a pause  
  
"Knew what?" she looks back looking blank  
  
"That I was pregnant," I say, serious now  
  
"Why didn't you say?"  
  
" I was scared, in fact I still am" my hands are now suddenly very interesting  
  
"Don't be" she sympathises placing her hand on my arm  
  
"But you're not the girl who has a crazy bi--polar family, a recovering alcoholic, a smoker and a non-existent boyfriend who happens to be the father of this child."  
  
"Carter?"  
  
"Come on it isn't going to be someone else is it?" I deadpan  
  
"No I spose not" she says to the floor  
  
"You keeping the child?" she asks  
  
"Yes" I say immediately  
  
"Look it will be fine" Susan smiles, I think she realises how frightened I am.  
  
"Mmm" I mumble sighing  
  
" Can I go home?"  
  
"I can't see why not just as long as you eat something" she gives me a playful nudge  
  
"Look, I didn't eat because I've been so down i've tried everything to block out this crap over carter okay and when I found out I was pregnant I stopped eating altogether, why I don't know, I knew it was wrong but my mind was on other things and eating was the last thing in my list of things to do. But I promise you everything I will eat okay?" I say but kind of jumbled and fast.  
  
She seems satisfied with that she gives me a knowing smile and gets up and grabs the chart from the end of the gurney and signs it.  
  
"Your free" she declares smiling  
  
"You want to lift home?" she adds  
  
"Please" I say getting up  
  
"But some clothes would be nice" I say looking at this horrid gown they've put me in.yuk!  
  
After Susan found my clothes and allowed me to get changed, and I got my prescriptions and other things we managed to escape the ER getting unnoticed by any of the usual 'gang'.  
We head out to her car and get in. we sit their for a while she starts the engine, she fiddles with the radio tuner and comes up with a random station...  
  
"Tainted has our love grown cold/in a place that's bitter an broken/tasted of a world i know/Surely there must be something better/something forever"  
  
She begins to drive out of the parking lot.  
  
" I like this song" she states  
  
"Do you ever think we'll get back together?" I say totally out of the blue  
  
"Me?" she asks stupidly I don't reply  
  
"Do you think we'll get past this bad patch?" I look down at my hand on my stomach.  
  
"We painted whitewashed everything/when all that remains is shadows of the stains/tell me where did we go wrong/can we just move on"  
  
"Yes I think you will," she says confidently  
  
I know we've had this conversation before, but I just ant to be reminded that someday we might just get back together whether it's tomorrow, next week or in 20 years time. I don't think ill ever be able to love someone in the same way again. 


	5. Leave it for tomorrow

A/N: Here we go again! Another dose of good old Abby angst!!!!! Hope you all enjoy! Sorry it's been a little while but I'm back now ready to keep you updated ASAP! A big shout out to all my reviewers!! You are what keep this story being updated! Thank you so much! Keep it up! I'm kinda pleased with this chappie, but if you don't I want to know why, but if you love it I also want to know! I've used three different songs in this chapter. In order: Dido/Honestly okay. Lifehouse/Somewhere in between and David Gray/Freedom So enjoy and remember to review!!!! ; D  
  
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This has to be the worst thing about being pregnant, morning sickness, it's the fourth day this week I've felt absolutely awful. I make my way to the kitchen and get myself a glass of water, after collecting the post I sit back at my dining table. Nothing interesting, no letters, just a bill and some advertising, great. It's times like these I feel kinda lonely, I mean I'm used to being quite dependent on myself, but not having Carter around on these early mornings, not waking up together, not arguing over what we should have for breakfast, all those stupid little things that meant so much but now have been reduced to near distant memories. I stand up, a little too fast as my head rushes and I feel a bit dizzy, but once I've 'recovered' I make my way to my bedroom to get ready for another day of work at county.  
  
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I just want to feel safe in my own skin; I just want to be happy again I just want to feel deep in my own world But I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore On a different day, if I was safe in my own skin, then I wouldn't feel so lost so frightened But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore I just want to feel safe in my own arms, I just want to be happy again  
  
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But why was it when I walked into the ER this morning, I felt as if everyone was staring at me? I don't look pregnant at all yet, or maybe that's because my tops are getting baggier? I felt, when I walked past admit, Chuny and Haleh watched me walk all the way into the lounge, and when I got to the lounge Pratt asked how I was then swiftly left. Do I have big zit on my nose or something have I grown an extra head? It didn't make much sense till I had given Mrs Peterson her new IV, and I went to the nurses station to collect another chart did I notice a crowd of most of the doctors and nurses around the desk, or rather a person. A person. The thought echoed round my head again and again. A person. THE person. The only person it could have been today. John Carter. He's back. Shit, why didn't I check my calendar today? Did I not register what date the guy on the radio said when it went off at half five? Here I am on the corner by the wall where the hall comes into where admit is. I fall sideways and lean against it. No one has noticed me yet, thank god, and personally I don't want anyone too. I stare watching them for what seems like hours, someone tapping my shoulder knocks me out of my trance.  
  
"Abby?"  
  
Elizabeth Corday  
  
"Oh.... hi" I say standing straight  
  
"You okay?" she asks looking at me straight in the eye as if knowing something I don't  
  
"Yea, just fine" I smile pathetically  
  
"I better get back to my patient" I state quickly walking off, I suddenly feel kinda ill...again.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------------------------------------------  
  
I can't be losing sleep over this, no I can't And I cannot stop pacing Give me a few hours and I'll have this thing sorted out If my mind would just stop racing I cannot stand still I can't be this unsturdy this cannot be happening This is over my head but underneath my feet Because by tomorrow morning I'll have this thing beat And everything will be back to the way it was I wish it were just that easy  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------------------------------------------  
  
I head straight to the ladies room and lock myself in a stall. I lean against the door. God all I ever seem to do is lean, I can't seem to stand up without tiring myself out and I'm only what, not even two months pregnant! I breathe deeply for a few minutes and the sickness passes, thank goodness, I don't think I could of coped with that, seeing how this day is turning out. I let myself out and I nearly have the scare of my life.  
  
"Susan!" I exclaim immediately putting up a facade of 'perfectly happy Abby, nothing is going to get in my way today Abby'  
  
"How's your day been today then?" she asks as if she doesn't know 'he's' here either, but she does, she was right there talking to him.  
  
"Fine actually, easy patients, no traumas...yet" I add going to the sink and washing my hands, although I don't need to.  
  
"I was treating a little girl this morning called Loretta she was only five, she was lovely but," she stops mid sentence noticing how I've stopped washing my hands but watching the water run down the plug and taking deep breaths  
  
"You okay?"  
  
"Would everyone stop asking me that?! It must be the most frequently asked 'Abby question'" I say frustrated,  
  
There's an uneasy silence.  
  
"You've seen him?" she asks  
  
"Only seen him, not spoken, mind you his fan club was surrounding him so I couldn't get a glimpse of 'adventure doctor'. I say sarcastically, turning off the tap with such force I swear I nearly heard it scream.  
  
"Abby don't say that' Susan crosses her arms and looks at me sympathetically  
  
"Susan, don't, just don't, I don't need reminding that half of my life has returned to haunt me okay?!" I sigh  
  
"It was going to happen one day," she adds unhelpfully  
  
"Yeah, and that day I would of been prepared, and today's not that day"  
  
"I'm just looking out for you"  
  
"I know you are, just,...just..... I can do this, someway somehow just let me do it by myself, I will get through to him weather it be today tonight or tomorrow just I'll do it in my own time, and I don't need reminding about it"  
  
I feel kinda mean just having said all that; it's kind of screwing all that 'I'm a friend, that shoulder to cry on' stuff up. I look at her as if sealing what I just said like a promise and I leave heading back out into what know has turned into a heaving mass of people. So much for saying I was having an easy day.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------------------------------------------  
  
I am waiting for tonight then waiting for tomorrow And I am somewhere in between what is real and is just a dream Would you catch me if I fall down from what I fell in Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again I don't want to run away from this I know that I just don't need this  
  
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xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX xXxXx  
  
Break, one of the most important parts of my working day. Today I decided that the roof would be my hideout. After grabbing my bottle of water (no caffeine because of the baby...see I'm being good about this!) I made my way to the elevator; weirdly after the sudden influx of people this mid-morning no one was inside it. But it was quite a relief. I stood in the corner letting the odd sensation my stomach flipping over as the elevator lurched upwards.  
  
A sudden rush of cold air hit me as I stepped out. I went to the edge of the roof and leaned over the edge. Holding onto the side I wondered what it would be like to be able to fly, stupid really it's not like I'm planning on jumping, but who would miss me if I did? Susan most definitely would, maybe the rest of the ER 'gang'. My mom, Eric would probably. I wonder if, well he would miss me, Carter. But what would he feel if we never resolved this. If he suddenly died today and we never even fixed this I know I would feel absolutely destroyed, I mean just because we've basically spilt up, doesn't mean I don't love him anymore, because I do and I always will. But would he feel the same way? Would it make him realised what he threw away? He was the one who pushed me away and made this the way this is.  
  
Thinking about this grim subject makes me recoil from over edge and for me to gaze at the buzzing Chicago city. It's beautiful really, the late winter early spring sun casting a watery haze over the many blocks, skyscrapers, offices and buildings. I feel like spreading my arms out and screaming, just to let all this frustration out let the world share this annoyance I have. Instead I place my hands on my tiny bump.  
  
"You little baby are gonna come into a very torn up world...but maybe in seven months time life will be a little better.........you can only hope" I whisper  
  
I sigh and look at my watch, time to go back for another four hours. Oh my god. I have just noticed the weirdest thing. I'm wearing my watch on the inside of my wrist, just like him. Maybe its just loose and fallen round...no, maybe I put it on this way this morning? I really can't remember, but whatever I take it off and return it back to its original position on top of my wrist. Love really does make you do crazy things.  
  
xXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX xXxXx  
  
Well, that has to fixed on fate. Four hours, millions of patients two traumas and I haven't seen him! I'm kinda glad too. I apologised to Susan as she left today, I think she understands and hasn't taken it personally, which I suppose is a good thing and I haven't lost her over this. She has to be the world's best best friend. How I will ever repay her is gonna take allot of thinking.  
  
I finish up with my last patient, a mother with her 18-month-old baby that has a chest infection. It kinda made me smile because soon that might be me with the baby. But then my smile kinda disappeared because the father suddenly appeared from no-where with a little four-year-old girl with cute little plaits. The perfect white picket fence with a house and a dog type family. Why can't I be like that? It's every girls dream right? But somehow I don't think my dream will ever come true.  
  
I head to the lounge discarding of my gloves and putting the chart in the rack on the desk. Saying night to Randi I go and collect my things from my locker.  
  
"Hey Chen" I smile at her reading something at the table  
  
"Hey" she replies. Okay, so me and Jing-mei have never really got on very well, maybe on those girls nights out but otherwise not really, but I share the time of day with her and it's not so bad.  
  
"Doing anything tonight?" she asks  
  
"I have a date with my couch" I say  
  
She laughs a little  
  
"Well enjoy" she waves and heads out the door.  
  
I finish putting my coat on and grab my purse. Shutting my locker I head out myself. I go and sign out and as I turn to go out the swinging door I hear my name being called. Shit shit shit. I close my eyes, my hand on the door about to push it open. Okay... why know why just when my evening was looking up, why know in front of the whole ER where I could most likely break down and be noticed I can't do this. I go through the door going unnoticed to my name being called over and over like an echo buzzing round my head. As the automatic doors slide out of my way I see his reflection in the glass. He's behind me.  
  
"Abby"  
  
That's my name don't overuse it  
  
"Oh.....hi" I say innocently looking at the ground  
  
"How are you?" He asks chasing after me, as I'm not stopping walking briskly out of the ambulance bay.  
  
How am I? What a stupid thing to say? What does he think after leaving me like that? Hang on....stop...Abby think back to what you were thinking when Susan came round your house......  
  
" I know that an adult mature conversation with us will turn into a blazing row, him or I walking out, or on the other hand I'll totally say something wrong, the first thing that comes into my head and then I'll blow it all."  
  
I stop walking and turn around to find him standing in the middle of the sidewalk his arms at his side defeated by my silence. I open my mouth; I think...how am I? Honestly, I'm pregnant, I'm single, and I'm coping...just...  
  
"I'm doing okay" I say whether he heard was another matter  
  
I think he did hear me...  
  
"Do you want to meet up sometime?"  
  
I walk toward him so I don't have to shout, or at least that's what I feel he's doing just to make me listen.  
  
"Um...err.... yea tomorrow sometime?" I feel as though I'm 10 years old talking to the principal after being told off, I'm whispering every word  
  
I think he seems to notice, I'm feeling kinda awkward. This never used to happen between us, the awkward silences the forced conversation what's gone wrong?  
  
"Look.." his eyes stray away from my own.  
  
"Abby I'm sorry for everything. I."  
  
"Carter. Stop... don't...... don't start, I don't need this, I don't want to hear it now, I have enough on my plate as it is with this, do you think I want it all at once, just lets take this a step at a time, give me time. I'm having to adjust to too much at the moment right now..., just can we talk about this tomorrow, please"  
  
I feel as though I'm pleading with him maybe I am, but I just can't take any of this right now. If only he had met me in a different way, at a different time it would of been better  
  
"Abby, I just want us to be okay"  
  
He's pushing this way too much, he's changed...  
  
"Carter..."  
  
He looks at me; his eyes seem to burn into me as if searching for my feelings  
  
"Leave it for tomorrow"  
  
And with that I turn away and head out of the bay and I cross the busy road to the other side where everything looks just like it did yesterday,....  
  
I wish it were yesterday.  
  
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Take your eyes off me There's nothing left to see Just trying to keep my head together And as we make our vow Let us remember how There's nothing good that lasts forever  
  
Time out on the running boards We're running Through a world that's lost it's meaning Trying to find a way to love This running Ain't no kind of freedom  
  
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	6. Guilty

I slam the door. I seem to be taking it out on everything. My coat is strewn over the couch my purse hits the floor with an unsatisfying thud, I go into the kitchen. I rest my hands on the counter and seeing an empty envelope from this morning I pick it up and rip it into a thousand pieces scattering them all over the floor I watch them float down like snow. I place my head in my hands and sigh. This is all so totally screwed up. I knew it would be, it must be fluke, it happens all the time, if I think bad things they always seem to happen.  
My hands flop down to my sides and I look around aimlessly. The phone catches my eye. I do something I haven't in ages... I call my mom.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Maggie?"  
  
"Abby?!"  
  
"Yea"  
  
"Oh my gosh hello, how are you? I haven't spoken to you in ages!" she exclaims  
  
"Um actually that's why I'm calling" I admit outright.  
  
"Aw sweetie what's up?"  
  
"God where do I start" I sigh  
  
"That bad huh?"  
  
"Well..."  
  
I tell her all about the 'restaurant night' how it all went wrong and when she called just when I had found the ring. Then I went on to Eric being found then carter's Grandmother dieing at the same time, the mess and confusion we got into then. Then I go into the funeral and Eric messing it up, Carter turning kind of frosty against me then blocking me out for the whole week then suddenly I find out about his sudden change of heart to go to the Congo. I tell her all about that, Then I finally tell her about the day I bought the test three days after he left. Those three days were the worst. I seemed to vanish into my own oblivion.  
  
".... I was feeling ill and had all the classic symptoms, I didn't want to believe it"  
  
"So you took the pregnancy test?" she asks kinda eagerly"  
  
"Yea..."  
  
"And..."  
  
"It was positive"  
  
I have to hold the receiver away from she's shrieking joyfully  
  
"Mom!.... Mom! Calm down" I laugh  
  
"I'm gonna be a grandmother!" She laughs happily down the phone  
  
"You are" I smile. Why has this phone call really cheered me up?  
  
"When's it due?"  
  
"Um about October time"  
  
"Oh my this is brilliant! But why are you so upset with it?"  
  
"I'm not upset about being pregnant, a little scared, but overall looking forward to a little baby arriving." I say trying also to convince myself. I think, though I'm definitely warming up to the idea of this new change.  
  
"But..." I add  
  
"Mmm"  
  
"He came back to work today"  
  
"Oh dear"  
  
"I spent the whole day trying to avoid him, I did successfully...until I was leaving"  
  
"And" its sounds like moms waiting for the cliffhanger of the latest of her favourite soap.  
  
"He asked how I was, I nearly snapped, I told him the truth, I'm doing fine.... He then asked to meet me tomorrow...I said yes, and he stayed silent, I assumed he was finished, so I began to walk away...you following?" The other end has gone very quiet.  
  
"Yes dear I am" She replies quickly  
  
"Anyway..." I draw a deep breath... why are my eyes burning?  
  
"He said...He said he wanted to make this better, he wanted us to be okay to make sure"  
  
"Oh" she gasps  
  
"But I totally broke. I couldn't take it mom I didn't need it. Seeing him that morning with everyone round him, not seeming to bother about me..." I sniff rubbing my nose. Don't cry...just don't cry.  
  
"I told him to leave it for tomorrow, he tried to get an answer out of me...mom he's changed...changed so much"  
  
"Ssshh sweetie don't worry" mom soothes  
  
"I walked away. Why? Why did I do that? It makes him so angry when I walk away"  
  
"Abby, he was pushing you, there was nothing wrong with you walking away"  
  
I sigh, puffing my cheeks out I brush away an invisible tear...to my mom, not to me.  
  
"What do I do?" I ask helplessly  
  
"Go speak to him tomorrow, take it one step at a time, be patient and don't get frustrated...It's hard but It's the only way the make it work without you blowing it. I know how much you want to get back with him how ever much you try deny it"  
  
"Do I tell him about the baby?"  
  
"Not tomorrow..one step at a time okay?"  
  
I can't actually believe this; I'm getting advice from my mom!  
  
"Thanks...thank you so much...I'm sorry I'm spilling this out on you"  
  
"Don't worry that's what I'm here for"  
  
"Yea" I smile  
  
"Anyway Abby sweetie, I have to go, I'm meeting up with Fiona in half and hour"  
  
"Fiona?" I ask, this sounds kinda weird  
  
"Yea my neighbour... we're going shopping"  
  
"Sounds like fun" I say  
  
"Yea...but Abby it will be fine okay, just be patient, it will turn out fine in the end. And remember I'm always here for you to talk to so don't just sit in the dark."  
  
"Thank you so much" I say and for the first time I really do mean it.  
  
"Thank you for making me a grandmother!"  
  
"Call you soon"  
  
"Bye sweetie"  
  
"Bye"  
  
I press the little button and the line goes dead. I'm plunged into a deadly silence. I'm sick of this I'm sick of living in a world of unhappiness, I'm pregnant for goodness sake nearly everything in my life is going okay all I want to sort is Carter and me. I want to make it work, not just because of the baby and the fact he will want absolutely everything to do with he or she when it's born but for me I can't keep living in the balance. I need to no if we are still together or not.  
  
I get up. I can't stand the quiet anymore., I go to my Hi-Fi and find one of my favourite albums. I put it on and turn it up loud. And I mean really load I swear the bass is making the floor vibrate. Oh who cares about the neighbours?! This doesn't happen very often! I get up and begin to spin around, okay I'm beginning to get a little dizzy but I don't care. I'm dancing to the fast rocky beat; it's kinda stress relieving in a weird way. I get so into my dancing the music pounding in my ears I totally ignore the phone ringing persistently, the answer phone going off and the words of  
  
"Hi it's just me, Carter um...you must be busy I'll call back later"  
  
I totally forgot, that with my phone you can absolutely everything that's happening in the background, so he could hear that I'm in, and not answering the phone...  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------  
  
In a way I love EL journeys. Why?...I don't know but I just love staring out of the window and watching the city rush by, even more so at this time in the morning because at every stop a different person leaves and a different person comes on. Just the way it happens so fast, like it's been sped up.  
  
When I step off, I walk the couple of blocks to county; I grab bagel from the little stand and make my way in. Odd, It's really quiet; I've probably jinxed the day now but hell. I say hi to frank who's busy making his origami swans and go into the lounge.  
  
I knew it would go anything like yesterday; well of course it wouldn't because as the door silently slams shut behind me...  
  
"Hey"  
  
"Oh hey" I smile.  
  
Oh shit...I feel my cheeks immediately redden, I go to my locker and put my stuff inside it.  
  
After a long silence he speaks...  
  
"We still on?" he asks, but I can hint nervousness in his voice  
  
That could mean so many different things, but I choose the fact that he asked me to meet at break sometime today...  
  
"Um...yea...I'm have break at eleven thirty"  
  
I go to the counter staring at the coffee maker...god; no surely cravings don't happen this early on in pregnancy?  
  
"Meet at twelve at doc's....ah no it um..."  
  
"At Starbuck's" I interrupt him. I hear him stand up  
  
"Okay" he says. I can just see the odd look on his face as I continue to stare at the coffee maker.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
"Um...yea" I say turning around a little too fast and my head rushes  
  
"You got some coffee craving?" he asks a small smile on his lips...god I hate this.  
  
"As a matter of fact.... yes I have" There's no harm in saying that.... it's the truth... sort of...  
  
"Um...Carter, I kinda have to...um I like started five minutes ago"  
  
"Oh right okay then"  
  
And without saying anything else I make a swift exit. I hate it, I hate it so much. That was so forced, so fake, it's like we're preparing for the inevitable, the end, but just making it worse now. What the hell it's going to be like later I dread to imagine.  
  
"Abby!" weaver hollers  
  
"Hello?" I turn round  
  
"Double MVA 5 minutes out front" she yells down the corridor  
  
Oh just great a brilliant way to start a worsening day.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Does you mommy know your here" I ask a little 5 year old boy sitting on the gurney  
  
"Janice went to call her" he replies  
  
"Janice?"  
  
"My sister"  
  
"Oh okay" I smile  
  
"Now let's just see what's wrong with you then" I take my stethoscope and listen to his chest, apparently he's been coughing pretty badly.  
  
"That's cold," he laughs  
  
"It'll warm up, now can you breathe in for me"  
  
"Janice!" he shouts  
  
"Hey buster!" she comes up and gives him a hug.  
  
"Mommy's on her way okay?"  
  
She says this half looking at me  
  
"Good"  
  
"Now can you sit still and breathe in again for me?" I ask again  
  
"Okay"  
  
I finish all the things I have to do and I stand up.  
  
"Janice," I ask  
  
"Yea" she says looking up from Scott"  
  
"Your Mom? Is she here yet?"  
  
"She should be in a minute we live the opposite side of Chicago"  
  
"Why did you come here then?"  
  
"Mom, went out, left me to look after Scott, so I decided we should go out, we took the El and ended up here. Then he started coughing and didn't stop so I came here."  
  
"Oh I see"  
  
"Mommy!" Scott screams  
  
"Hey sweetie"  
  
A tall woman in a long black coat rushes over and hugs Scott.  
  
"Are you okay what happened?" she asks looking at Janice and me.  
  
"His coughing got real bad we came to the park and then I had to bring him here"  
  
"Janice why on earth did you come over here? I told you to stay at home"  
  
"Mom, I wanted to get out...."  
  
"You should of rung me"  
  
"Yea But your cell phone was off"  
  
"Mrs,..... Um Newby" I say looking at the chart...and breaking up the argument between the teen and her mother.  
  
"I need to get a doctor, but I think that Scott will be fine okay, I'll be back in a minute...cya Scott" I smile at the little boy waving.  
  
I turn on my heel and I haven't even walked five steps before I bump into him.  
  
"Sorry" I say not looking him in the eye  
  
"Your good with children you know"  
  
"Mmm thanks" I go to walk off to find Pratt.  
  
Problem is, he grabs me by the shoulders and forces me to look at him.  
  
"Carter.." I say warningly circling my arms up and around so he lets go.  
  
"Abby what's wrong?"  
  
"You know that Carter, just don't, haven't I told you enough, can we talk later?"  
  
I'm not angry, just frustrated and exasperated that he keeps going on.  
  
"Whatever" he sighs and I make a run for it.  
  
The few meetings we have had since he's come back, I'm really don't like the way he's changed, he's not the usual carter I love and used to know. I don't' know how our little 'chat' is going to go later...we'll just have to find out.  
  
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I walk into Starbucks, and the aroma of coffee hits me instantly. Boy what would I do for a coffee right now? I look around, I'm late so he should be already here, knowing Carter's love for getting everywhere on time.  
I look right and notice him at a small table in the corner, by the window, which he's looking out of.  
  
"Hey" I smile; I'm going to try so hard not to blow this.  
  
"Oh hi" he replies.  
  
I take a seat removing my coat I place my hands on the table.  
  
"You want a coffee?"  
  
I inwardly scream: "WOULD EVERYONE STOP GOING ON ABOUT COFFEE!"  
  
But instead...  
  
"Nah, I'll just have a juice"  
  
He shoots me a quizzical but gets the waitress anyway.  
  
"So how are things?" he asks me breaking the awkward silence.  
  
"John, stop. Lets just talk about why we're really here." I say I just don't want to carry on skirting this.  
  
He looks at his mug, kinda embarrassed.  
  
"Where do we stand now?" I ask, I can see this is going to take some coaxing, even though it was his idea to talk.  
  
"I don't know Abby, I really have no idea."  
  
"We broke up right?"  
  
"NO" he says immediately  
  
"But then things have changed haven't they?" he adds  
  
"Yea I suppose they have" I say looking out of the window, when do I tell him?  
  
"I think we've changed," I say looking him in the eye  
  
"Yea"  
  
"I think that maybe we should just stay friends for a bit then see what happens"  
  
Did I just say that? I think I just did.  
  
He looks at me as if to disagree but then his look softens, like he decided to agree. I think we're both too damn scared to admit defeat.  
  
"But that doesn't mean I want to end this" I add, because I always want the possibility off us getting back together, even if I leave the country, change my name or whatever.  
  
"Neither do I" He says  
  
"Just a break" I say  
  
"Just a break" he repeats.  
  
There's a lengthy pause where my drink arrives. He continues to stare out of the window and I look at the table. Great really.  
  
" You find Africa good?  
  
" Well I wouldn't say good. But it was an eye opener, it's crazy how we have all this technology and they don't.  
  
I smile a small smile he's making obvious that he doesn't really want to talk about it.  
  
Suddenly he looks as though he something important to say, he looks almost guilty. Oh god what now...  
  
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A/N: Hey! Sorry it's been a while, I said it wouldn't be, but unfortunately I've been kinda busy. But I hope you liked it. I'm so sure quite yet how It's really winding up too...I have some ideas that need backing up so if you have any idea's what could happen next, or any characters I'm not using so much that should be brought in please tell me! Remember...REVIEW!!!!!! ; D 


	7. Mistakes and revelations

"Carter?"  
  
I look at him; he's staring out of the window yet again.  
  
"It's nothing," he says  
  
"It has to be something, why would you say?" I state  
  
He sighs and looks me in the eye  
  
"In Africa..."  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
"It was after a long day we finally had a lull in all the patients and Gillian said that I could have a break"  
  
I remain silent...what the hell could this be? Why is my stomach doing flip-flops?  
  
"So I went out to the river...there was one just where we were you see..."  
  
"And..and...Kirsty came out to talk, it was her break too"  
  
Oh.... no....don't let this end up how I think.  
  
"We were both going on about how bad the day has been etc etc"  
  
"Who's Kirsty?" I ask, I need to know.  
  
"Um...she's another doctor, but she's from England" He adds like that's going to make this any better  
  
"And..." He pauses taking a sip of his drink  
  
"Well, She had been, I don't know.... I think she liked me then.... well.... we were both feeling pretty crap...."  
  
I lean my head on my hand, still looking at him with, hopefully a blank expression on my face.  
  
"You want to hear this?" His voice breaks  
  
"I think I need too" I reply quietly  
  
"Okay, well one thing lead to another.... and...." He shrugs  
  
"It's okay I get it" I reply again quietly a whisper  
  
"It's okay really that you know, you go away thinking that well, we've basically spilt up and you go find another single female do you?" I mean you don't even wait five minutes"  
  
"It's not like oh 'lets not worry my still hanging-on-the-edge-girlfriend won't mind" I say sarcastically my voice raising  
  
"But Abby, I've been honest with you"  
  
"And you think that's okay do you?"  
  
"No but, Abby, it was a spur of the moment thing, it meant nothing, nothing at all."  
  
"It meant nothing did it? What just like this relationship has been to you"  
  
"Don't you dare say that Abby this relationship has been the best thing that's ever happened to me"  
  
"Well you've done so well in showing it, by screwing some English girl, who just happened to fancy you" I spit  
  
I grab my coat and prepare to leave I can't take much more of this.  
  
"Abby, don't go, can't we just sort this out?"  
  
"I think we have" I say calmly as possible, I'm going to lose my head in front of a growing audience.  
  
"Screw all what I have just said to you about, wanting to get back with you in the future, because as sure as hell, I've changed my mind"  
  
"Abby?"  
  
And with that I leave as quickly as I can. Things can't get much worse than this.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*  
  
Look at me now Just sitting here by myself And I think you found someone else No more have to find A way to put the bottle down And why can't you see That I'm drowning in a puddle of misery  
  
So here I am I wanna be by myself And I think you're fucking someone else now i'm gonna have to find a way To take the knife out of my back And how could you leave me Stranded in a closet full of bones  
  
I'm always afraid That you're gone Away from me I'm always afraid That you're lost in somebody I'm always afraid That you're gone Away from me I'm always afraid That you're lost  
  
Maybe you could let me stay Maybe just for one more day You could help me stay the same Maybe things won't ever change Maybe we could taste the rain You could push me out the way  
  
Now I sit here by myself Think about somebody else How could you let them take you away from me There's somebody else There's somebody else  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*  
  
I told Susan, two days later, beacuse I took two days off sick, mainly yeah, I couldn't bare to see Carter again and I was felling pretty crap because of a certain 'thing' he managed to give me and I haven't told him about the baby yet. It's really gonna hit him like a tonn of bricks.  
  
Anyway, Susan again, god she is such a great friend, let me cry on her shoulder and scream swear and rip Carter to the ground that day. I really don't know what I'd do without her. But she's not treating carter the same, well at least she still speaks to him unlike me. But he's just carrying on with his life as though nothings happened. Although Sus told me that the other day he was busy looking at me when we both we were on opposite sides of admit, me talking to Chuny and him doing nothing I suppose.  
  
But the thing is that all of that happened a week ago, but this weekend on the Saturday, this happened...  
  
"Abby"  
  
"Hey Susan" I smile genuinely today; I'm in a relatively good mood.  
  
"Um shall I put your coat away, um I think Haleh wanted you in exam one..." she looks kinda worried  
  
"No its okay Haleh can wait two minutes can't she?"  
  
"Well actually no she can't"  
  
"Sus..." I push past her and head to the lounge  
  
"Abby" she says warningly as I put my hand on the door  
  
"What" I sigh  
  
"Don't go in there"  
  
"Oh come on Susan that's lame" I laugh opening the door  
  
"Yeah but ab..."  
  
"Wh....what?! Carter!?" I nearly yell but my voice raises at least an octave.  
  
There he is in the arms of none other than.............Kirsty. Her head is facing the lockers whereas his is right at me.  
  
"Oh..Um hi" he stutters breaking free of Kirsty's death grip.  
  
"Hello Carter" I emphasise his second name.  
  
She turns around and smiles at both Susan and me.  
  
"John?" She asks in her perfect well-spoken British accent...John? Her just saying his first name just makes me want to go and scream at her.  
  
"Um yeah, this is Abby..."  
  
"Oh.... this is Abby.... hello" She says as if I'm something bad on her shoe  
  
I catch carter looking at me.  
  
"Hi" I say forcefully  
  
"And Susan"  
  
"Hello" She says nicely  
  
We all stand in complete silence. So I decide I'm going to leave.  
  
"Nice meeting you Kirsty, make the most of your stay here, it may not last very long" I say as sarcastically as I can and shooting Carter the most 'Screw -you' look as I can manage at the moment, and storm out of the room, Susan on my heel.  
  
"Abby?" she calls after me, I heading straight for the exit  
  
"Susan, he can have her...I don't care"  
  
At this moment, and I don't notice this, Carter comes out of the lounge, Kirsty following, they are both watching me yelling at Susan, who I think has noticed them too.  
  
"Abby" I think she was gonna tell me they were there  
  
"No.really.... I might never get over this, but I know there isn't a hope in hell of us ever getting back together. Okay, just leave me right now because if he even bothers speaking to me ever ever again, I swear I will leave county, I'm not joking, I am being entirely serious.  
  
And then I leave. I'm amazing at that aren't I?!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~* So you're with her And not with me I hope she's sweet And so pretty  
  
So you're with her And not with me Oh how lucky one man can be  
  
Now how do you feel? When you see her sweet smile baby Don't think of me When she lays in your warm arms Don't think of me  
  
And it's too late and too bad  
  
Don't think of me.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*  
  
That was then, this is now, Monday. My life is never boring is it? I wish sometimes I was normal and that I didn't have to put up with the other half, etc etc. But hey that's not meant to be huh?  
  
Today I'm going to go to work and not let it bother me, and this time I really mean it. Another reason is I'm having my first scan today...something to look forward too. I want to see my little baby. It's so weird, I mean me having a baby...but I think I'm enjoying it so far though apart from being ill, but hey I'm not gonna complain.  
  
I get into work a little earlier today. I checked the schedules and discovered that he's not on till midday and I'm on at eleven. So I'm getting Susan to do the scan for me in complete safety!  
  
"You ready?" she asks me as I walk up to admit  
  
"As ready as I'll ever be" I smile  
  
"Look abs, Carters not in till later okay so don't worry yourself, let's go see Lil' baby Lockhart!"  
  
Okay why did I notice she used 'Lockhart' not Carter? I push that thought to the back of my mind.  
  
We head into an empty exam room and pull all the blinds. We bathed in darkness until Susan switches on a small lamp. She then pull up the ultrasound and turns it on. She pulls up a stool and sits down all ready, but I'm standing at the counter.  
  
"Ab?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"You okay?"  
  
"Yeah just fine" I sigh turning around  
  
"You ready for this?"  
  
"Yes...yes I am" I say going and lying on the gurney.  
  
I pull up my baggy tee and Susan puts the ice-cold gel on my slightly protruding belly.  
  
"Shoot, that's cold! I giggle"  
  
"Yeah sorry about that" She smiles  
  
She then positions the scanning part on my stomach and moves it around trying to find a picture.  
  
"Aww" she gasps  
  
"What?" I ask I'm facing the ceiling, my eyes closed. I want a surprise.  
  
"Look"  
  
I turn my head, my eyes still closed. I open them one at a time revealing the most beautiful picture I have ever seen.  
  
"My baby" I whisper  
  
"Yea" She whispers back  
  
"Oh my gosh" I say  
  
"Look at the tiny little arms and legs," she points to the screen  
  
"Yea" All I can do is whisper  
  
"Wait a minute." She says. She fiddles around; pressing button and things and suddenly the sound of a tiny heart beating fills the room.  
  
"Listen to that" I exclaim  
  
"Isn't it wonderful?"  
  
I remain silent staring at the tiny human in my body; there are no words to describe how beautiful and moving this moment is. I'm seeing my baby for the first time.  
  
"You want to know the sex?" Susan interrupts the sound of the heartbeat  
  
"No" I say  
  
"I want a surprise"  
  
"Okay"  
  
"Everything seems fine," she says doing all her doctoral things she has to do  
  
"Good" I say  
  
Minutes pass and in the end reluctantly she has to switch the machine off.  
  
"See you soon baby" I say touching the screen  
  
"In two months time, that's your next scan" She says But I'm not really listening, this is all too awe inspiring for me.  
  
"Your photo's and things. She says after handing me a couple of tissues to clean my stomach and waking me from deep thought.  
  
"Thanks" I reply taking the small folder  
  
"You excited?"  
  
"Definitely"  
  
"It's hard to believe that a tiny baby growing inside of me will eventually be born"  
  
"That's a freak of nature"  
  
"What? Me or me having a baby?" I laugh  
  
"Nooo! I meant actually having a baby is kinda scary you know"  
  
"You think so, just try stepping in my shoes" I smile getting up off the gurney  
  
"No thanks"  
  
"Oh well, just a few more months" I sigh  
  
"Don't you worry about it, if noone else is there for you I sure as hell will be, but I know someone will be there when this baby is born." She states  
  
"You're trying to imply something...?"  
  
"No just telling you" She smiles cheekily  
  
"Anyway, I better go and start my shift otherwise I'll have Romano getting at me." I smile  
  
"Thanks Sus"  
  
"Anytime!"  
  
We pull the blinds back to normal and I say my goodbyes and she carries on tidying the room. I leave opening the door, into the ER. I make my way thought he hallways and bustling people and suddenly I'm knocked by a person rushing to get somewhere.  
  
"God I'm sorry" He says my file of scan photos and information has scattered all over the floor  
I bend down to pick them up, not looking at this person, I can tell he's a doctor, but I'm too busy lost in my thoughts to see who it is.  
He too bends down and helps me pick up the papers. I'm missing one scan picture. Oh crap where's it gone? I notice this doctor has stood up straight. I do the same brushing my hair out of my eyes with my hand. When I stand completely upright I look at this person, holding the lost scan picture.  
  
"Abby?" he looks at me questionly  
  
"Carter...um...yea...can I have that back?" I ask lamely..... Oh now I'm in for it.  
  
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxx  
  
Review guys!!!! I love ya for it!!!!!!!! 


	8. Faith and Hope

A/N:Hey guys! I'm so sorry, It's been ages since I updated, and I wouldn't have been able to do that with a very special person! !Camilia! I can't thank you enough.With out your help we wouldn't be reading this today. What you did is just perfect and made this chapter what it is! I could go on forever and ever saying thank you! Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you!!! ; D  
Anyway I hope you all enjoy this chapter, and you should expect the next chappie up a little sooner than last! Enjoy!  
  
P.S You know at the end...just what to do.....REVIEW!  
  
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"What's this?"  
  
"A patients records" I reply just, give the damn photo.  
  
"A patient" he replies his voice wavering "Okay tell me this...why the hell does it have your name at the top?"  
  
Oh shit, I didn't notice that the machine prints it with your name!  
  
"Because I was assisting" I try lamely  
  
"Abby, don't give me that" He is still staring at the picture.  
  
"Just give me the photo" I say snatching it off him, I walk in the direction of the lounge, he follows. Thank god there's no-one in here.  
  
"Ab, I think there's some explaining to do." He says slamming the door behind him  
  
"Explaining?! Maybe I should be asking you that,I come in and find you in the arms of that bitch Kirsty!" I yell  
  
"I told you about that" He says too calmly  
  
"That's not the point" I whisper opening my locker.  
  
"You're pregnant?" He asks  
  
I stare into my locker still holding onto the file  
  
"Yes" I whisper again, my voice has dissapeared.  
  
He remains silent, I know he's still there but I continue to stare at nothing.  
  
"Who's the father?" he asks breaking the tension  
  
I pause  
  
"You" I have no idea if he hears this because I can hardly hear myself  
  
I break my thoughts and shut my locker door. I turn around slowly staring at the floor and I see the door swinging silently. He's gone.  
  
I quickly snap back to reality and rush out of the door myself.  
  
"Carter?" I yell, Susan's at the desk filling out charts, she notices me,gives me a sympathetic look and points toward the elevator, I know where he's gone.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Carter?" I say, reaching the roof, a gust of cold wind catching me off guard whips my hair around my head.  
  
I look around,all I can hear is the rush of the city below.  
  
"When you mess things up, you wouldn't think they could get much more worse could you?" A voice to the left says quietly.  
  
"Depends, on what gets worse." I say walking up to him and like him, looking out accross the city.  
  
"Getting your ex-girlfriend pregnant"  
  
"It's not a bad thing" I say stuffing my hands in my scrub pockets."Getting pregnant that is" I add  
  
"Yea, but it being my child is?"  
  
"No" I say wistfully  
  
"No?" He asks looking at me  
  
"I know what the worst thing is...not being with you, and having this child"  
  
We both stay silent, both of us thinking over what I had just said. Do I really want us getting back together just for our child, or because we really love eachother?  
  
"I didn't mean for any of this to happen" He whispers at the floor scuffing his heel  
  
"Time" I say  
  
"What?"  
  
"If only we could rewind time"  
  
"Yea" he smiles slightly  
  
"Are you and...Kirsty...um...together?" I ask tentively  
  
He sighs looking around as if to see if anyone was listening  
  
"She wants us to be...I'm not so sure"  
  
"Your not sure?"  
  
"No"  
  
"Why?" Why is this geting weirder by the second  
  
"Because...Because" He screws his eyes up in frustration "Because of you okay"  
  
"Me?"  
  
"Yea..you.  
  
The moment I walked away from you that night, I actaully hated myself, it was the stupidest thing i have ever done in my life, I got rid of the one special thing I had with you."  
  
"Carter.." I say, I'm speechless  
  
He looks at me his eyes pleading with me.  
  
"I don't want us to get back together just because of this baby" I say confindently  
  
...but..." I pause  
  
"I want us to be friends and start all over again...and then see what happens"  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
"It might be easy, It might be hard, but I think we can do it" I say  
  
Carter remains silent I look at him, He's looking still across the city,  
  
"John?" I say turning to face him  
  
He looks at me a small smile on his lips, I open my arms and go to hug him. We both stand wrapped up in each other, we sway gently, I bury my head in his jacket, trying to stop the tears that are forming in my eyes.  
  
"We're gonna be okay" He whispers  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
The rest of my shift, I was really happy, I didn't really know why,is not like we are together or anything. I guess it's just hope.  
  
I can have some hope,right? I mean, there IS a possibility now, not everything's over, we COULD be fine...I just have to wait, and have a little faith.  
  
Faith, that is something I have never been used to believe in.  
  
But now I have to try, if I don't have faith and hope then I have nothing.  
  
*****  
  
Work has been pretty boring today, nothing very exciting, just minor patients. I'm just doing some paper work.  
  
"Abby? Can you take a break now?" he asks quietly  
  
"I'm actually off in five" he nods  
  
"I...umm...I need to talk to you about something. Meet me in five at -"  
  
"Dr Carter? Would you mind taking a look to this patient?"  
  
Med students, the best part of being an attending around here,uh?.  
  
"Sure,I'll be there in a second. Ok,I guess I'll meet you in ten then" he smiles "That new place across the street?"  
  
I nod "Ok"  
  
"Thanks"  
  
I smile. What could it be?  
  
He doesn't have another one of his little surprises to give me,does he?  
  
******  
  
He's late. I have been waiting here for ten minutes,I'm bored, where is he? With Kirsty,maybe?  
  
Argh,stop it,Abby! Why do I do this to myself?  
  
Look, here he is.  
  
"What took you so long?"  
  
"Sorry" he says as he sits down "Med students are so...argh" he shakes his head and I laugh.  
  
See? Nothing to worry about,I'm just paranoid about this whole Kirsty thing.  
  
"So..."  
  
"So?"  
  
"Carter..." I say looking at him  
  
"Right,right, sorry...I just,I just needed to...I didn't have the chance to tell you what I thought about this whole" he points at me. He looks so nervous. Cute.  
  
"Me being pregnant issue?"  
  
"Yeah...and I'm just I'm happy, Abby, really. I'm thrilled...I'm, you're having a baby, my baby, it's just..."  
  
"I know" I say smiling and he reaches for my hand  
  
"Thank you" he says, I smile at him and he smiles back sweetly  
  
I guess I won't have to make any big effort about that faith and hope thing. They're coming naturally. 


	9. Love gets me everytime

A/N: It's short it's sweet, but we've moved forward in the life of our beloved Abby. So I feel this Chapter sticks it all together. I have a feeling this story is definetly coming to a close soon, maybe a few more chapters...but do not fear because expect more of my stuff coming along afterwards! I hope I haven't rushed this chapter too much by coming forward in time but I'm personally quite pleased with it! Oh, and the song used at the end is Shania Twain 'Love gets me every time'. I hope you all enjoy and please PLEASE review, a MASSIVE thanks to everyone who has done allready..it really makes me want to continue! Anyway I'm gonna shut up RIGHT now and let you read! Ahhh...hang on...I hope my new HTML formatting works...! ; D 

* * *

8 months...it's been a long time....and I'm fit to explode. 8 months of being pregnant. 8 Months of being single. Great. I'm gonna be a single mother. Mind you...I had decided on that a long time ago...it was my choice. It's the price I'm paying, but I'm gonna make it work. But the only thing I'm totally bummed out about is the fact that Carter is still 'seeing' Kirsty. He likes to say that he's not dating her, just good friends, I'd love to belive that, but every friendly kiss every friendly hug they share is just a little to close for comfort. And allthough I have had to rebuild my trust with Carter over a while since he went to the Congo I know I am beginning to trust him again.But I just know that Kirsty could have her way with him at any given time. She knows just what she wants and is out to get get unaware of fact that Carters ex is carrying his child. Well no, That sounds wrong, I meant she does know that i'm pregnant with John's baby, I think the whole hospital knew, the amout she screamed, the lounge was a tiny pile of rubble by the time she had cooled off and was forced out by Carter. But know she's got used to the fact and knows that Carter and I aren't exactly going to get together tomorrow she feels she has unblocked road to his 'love' as it where. And also the fact that she joined County's staff last month. She is now one of the doctors. Which really got to me because of John, She's allways there, for him at any moment. 

Kirsty aside, I'm feeling great, tired though and ready to have this baby today. I have everything ready for the baby when he or she comes, I didn't feel so great though when I had to shop for all this stuff, I'm suprised my bank manager didn't come and personally behead me. Seeing as I spent way over the limit on two of my cards. I just want everything to be perfect for the baby. That's what I miss about not having Carter, Not the fact that he has money, but the fact that I would have somebody to help me out with all of this, and I know it's going to become harder when the baby comes along. Oh the joy of it all. 

I'm here sitting on the couch, legs propped up on my coffee table staring idly at the TV, nothing's on though, I'm bored to say the least, Over the past week or so, after the work I have manged to watch my entire cabinet of movies and eaten so much food this baby is going to be twice my weight. Running my hands through my hair, Which now I might add, is very long, and dyed back to my normal brunette. Iv'e decided blonde reminds me to much of times I had, and my roots were beginning to show. I'm glad it's brown again, alot less fuss. I lean forward as much as I can (which is impossible in my state) and grab the remote, but as I do the door bell rings. 

"Who is it?" I yell, 

"Oh shit" I moan droppping the remote on the floor as I do so. 

"Carter" He repiles 

"Oh Shit" I curse again. 

"Hang on" I yell heaving myself off the couch. 

I get to the door unlock it, (it's now 11:30pm) and there he stands. In a pair of jeans and a tee with a scruffy jacket on. 

"Come in" I offer, steping out the way. 

"Hey" he smiles 

"What you doing round here at this hour?" I ask? 

"Well why are you up so late?" He counters. 

I just smile going back over to the couch and sitting down again. 

"Shit!" I curse again 

"What?!" He says, looking over at me thinking he's done something wrong. 

"The remote" I moan, my eyes screwed up in frustration. 

"Oh" He says, coming over and picking it up and giving it to me. 

"I can't bend down anymore" I groan rubbing my temples. 

"I'm sorry" He says coming to sit down beside me. 

"Why?" I ask 

"Well I was the one who put you in this state." 

"Yeah" I smile. 

"Anyway...why you here?" I say turning off the telly 

"I couldn't sleep, I was bored and I hadn't seen you today at work to ask how you were, and I feel kinda bad." 

"Why"? 

"Well because, I'm not helping you one bit, i'm too wrapped up in everything else and here you are, one month away to giving birth to my..our child and what have I done to show for it...apart form the obvious" He stops me from coming back with a witty comment. 

"John..." 

He looks at me, again with my feet on the table , my head resting on the back of the couch, him just perched on the edge. 

"I'm coping just fine okay...I said that I wanted to do it this way, and I've done everything I could, you've helped me out in other ways" 

"Like what?" 

"Well, Those lunches at that cafe down the road, trips to the theater, amoung other things 'friends' do. That's what Iv'e needed, it's kept me sane! You can help me out in days to come if you feeling that bad about it though." 

He smiles in response, leaning back into the couch, looking accross to me smiling gently. 

"I love your hair" He says reaching out and taking a lose couple of strands off my shoulders and fiddling with them. 

"It's more me" I sigh..."it may be a saying that blondes have more fun, but I don't think I was." 

"Oh" he whispers. 

"I'm hungry" I stae out of the blue, leaning forward to get up. 

"Now?!" Carter asks incerdiously 

"Hmmummm...Ben and Jerry are calling me" I get up and head to the fridge. I open up the freezer and pull out the tub and grab a spoon from the drawer. 

"You know I thought cravings only happend in early pregnacy" He is now up from the couch andstanding right beside me. 

"Well not in mine" I grin, setting the tub on the counter and pulling off the lid. 

"Hey wheres my spoon?" He asks from behind me. 

"It's my ice cream" I argue, tugging away at the silver foil on the top, it doesn't want to budge. 

"Let me help" he says coming round to my side and takes the tub off me...bad idea. 

"HA! Got it now! he laughs running back over toward the couch with the ice cream, me standing here like a lemon holding the spoon. 

"Hey that's no fair, I can't run after you!" I say 

"I know" he says 

"You evil little..." I growl walking as fast as I can round the table after him. 

I get up to him, but he dodges to the other side of the couch. I reach out to grab the tub but seeing as he's so much taller than me it was impossible to reach. "Carter!" I wail 

"Na ah!" He laughs...he thinks he so funny. 

He runs over through my apartment me waddling after him. He's dodging just in front of me, I grab his arm and refuse to let go, my free hand grappling for the melting ice cream. He's walking backwards, I'm pushing him." Give me that damn ice cream!" I screech at him. 

Wer'e still walking backwards when all of a sudden his back hits a wall, he drops the icecream and our face out millimetres away from eachother. I can feel his fast breathing on my cheeks, our faces pivoting around eachothers, our lips seconds away from a ki... 

"Abby.." He warns 

"Ssshhh" I whisper 

"But what about..." 

"It doesn't matter now" I hardly whisper 

And within a few seconds our lips are joined together. 

* * *

_Life was goin' great_

Love was gonna have to wait

Was in no hurry-had no worries.

Stayin' single was the plan

Didn't need a steady man

I had it covered-til I discovered

That love gets me every time

My heart changed my mind

I gol' darn gone and done it. 

* * *


	10. Amazing

A/N: So here we go guys! The final chapter of Glass! I'm sorry it took so long but things just got in the way! There may be an epilogue but here it is now and I hope you enjoy! Also look around for my next fic!  
  
One last memo, a HUGE shout out to my great friend Camila! Without your reviews, love and encouragement I couldn't of finished this without you!! Thank you! And I love you for it!  
  
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That is one thing I really did miss when we were apart. Waking up in his arms. Yeah okay...I gonna hate myself later on today, but we both needed it, well, I did for sure...the amount of hormones zooming through me at that moment in time. I look up from my position on Carter's chest, he's lying flat on the bed, asleep, with me next to him, head on his chest. He's completely out of it, I can tell he's not gonna be up for a while.  
  
Shit! Hang on? I lift my head, and look toward my nightstand...its Friday, it's 9:30am...ah..I think he has a shift...and I certainly have one this evening.  
  
"Carter" I whisper gently nudging him.  
  
He mumbles something incoherent.  
  
"Carter" I say a little louder.  
  
"What" He groans...opening one eye.  
  
"It's half nine.."  
  
"Oh" he groans. Not really taking it in.seeming to fall back asleep.  
  
"John" I say slapping his stomach.  
  
"Hey" he moans placing his hand on mine, on his stomach.  
  
"It's nine thirty," I repeat.  
  
"Nine thirty?"  
  
"Yea.."  
  
"Oh shit! I have a shift in half an hour" he curses, bolting upright.  
  
"Sorry" I mumble quietly brushing my hair out of my face.  
  
I watch him clamber out of bed hurriedly grabbing items of discarded clothing of the floor. I watch him dress in silence; there is definitely some tension in the air...why does sex ruin everything?  
  
"John?" I ask  
  
He looks up from the end of the bed, where he's tying his shoes.  
  
"We still okay? I mean this" I gesture at us with my hands..."Hasn't changed anything? Has it?"  
  
He looks at me for a moment before replying.  
  
"No of course it hasn't we're still the same as before, isn't it what a couple would do?"  
  
"Yeah but, that's just it, we're not together as such..." I waver off thinking of Kirsty  
  
Sighing he says, "You know, we can never do anything normally can we?" He smiles  
  
"Ha, no" I return the smile.  
  
"Look, okay we may not be going out but we are okay about this, don't worry." he smiles and crawls up the bed toward me and plants a soft kiss on my lips.  
  
"We're fine" I smile.  
  
"We're fine," He repeats sealing the 'deal' so it was.  
  
"Hey do you mind, if you let yourself out?" I say, I ache all over. Whether it was last nights 'activities' or what I don't know, but I can't move that's for sure.  
  
"Yeah, whatever" He stands up from the bed.  
  
"I've got a shift later so I'll see you then?"  
  
"You sure will...I'll see you later" He gives me one last kiss and leaves.  
  
After a few crashes and bangs, I hear the door slam and faint footsteps making there way downstairs. It makes me smile; he's so damn clumsy. I flop back down onto my pillow. I sigh contentedly. I'm glad that last night happened, it got allot of feelings sorted and put in the right place. I wasn't sure Carter was okay with what wanted with us, when I told him months back, but now I rest assured that we are on the same wavelength.  
I just can't seem to get comfortable now. I wriggle about and toss the covers around. My back hurts like hell. I manage to get out of bed and put on bathrobe on. I make my way to the kitchen when I first start to get suspicious. I dull pain, shoots round the small of my back to the front of stomach. "Uh oh" I whisper, finding the nearest seat and sitting down. Not this early surely? Well, only a month to go...but still. The pain goes as quickly as it came. I stand up again. I make myself some breakfast, feeling fine, I still ache a bit, but since that bad pain it's sorta gone. Nothing to worry about...I hope. No..No I'm fine, if it gets any worse I'll call someone...  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------  
  
"Evening Sus" I say happily as I walk in for my shift. Thank god she's working too.  
  
"Hey smiler...who's made your day?" She grins impishly from behind the desk  
  
"Ooohhh Just someone." I say cryptically walking into the lounge.  
  
I open my locker and chuck my bag in it, grabbing my scrub jacket; I chuck it on the couch, and head to the fridge pulling out a bottle of water. I close the door, and turn to find Susan looking me straight in the eye with her eyebrow raised.  
  
"I'm not telling!" I say sitting down and pulling on my scrub jacket.  
  
"And I'm supposed to believe that, when you walk in full of the joys of spring?!"  
  
"Yep" I grin  
  
"Aaaaabbyy" She whines sitting at the table, I take it the ER is slow tonight.  
  
"All right all right" I give in.  
  
"Last night, I'm home watching TV stuffing my face of pretzels and ice- cream, someone knocks the door..."  
  
"Yea...don't tell me..."  
  
I look shyly at the floor  
  
"Carter!"  
  
"Huh-huh" I say " At half eleven I might add!"  
  
"No-way"  
  
"Anyway, we chat...like ya do...then I decide I need more ice-cream...go get some...somebody follows me to the freezer, I won't let him have any, cause it is my ice cream, he managed to get it off me...so in the end we're having this silly childish chase round my apartment, which in my state is flipping impossible..."  
  
I Pause; Susan is staring at me, eyes wide waiting for the next part of this story.  
  
"Soooo..."She prompts eagerly.  
  
"Chasing round the apartment, and we hit a wall...smack into each other" I gesture with my hands, clapping them together..."and then......then...."I stop Susan ready to fall off her chair...  
  
"Then what?"  
  
"One thing led to another and..." I stop dead, for one reason...the lounge door just swung open and the only person who could have entered at that moment.... just so happened to be...  
  
"Oh...hi...Carter" I smile lamely glancing at him then back at Susan, we both completely explode into hysterical laughter.  
  
"What?" Carter looks completely mystified.  
  
"Aww, that is so sweet" Susan manages to say between fits of giggles.  
  
"Ah..Ladies...what the hell is so funny?" Carter tries to interrupt...but we continue crying with laughter...I mean it's not really a very funny subject.  
  
I'm still completely in hysterics, when suddenly it happens again.  
  
"Oh god Susan!" I say  
  
"I know ab!" She continues laughing; she probably thinks I am still, seeing as I'm clutching my stomach as I was a minutes ago.  
  
"NO...Susan" I say my voice wavering, at this Carter turns around from making his coffee and trying not to take any notice of us, to giving his full attention.  
  
"Wh..What is it?" Susan gasps, trying to regain seriousness.  
  
"Pain" I say my eyes filling with tears. I think this is it...  
  
"What?" Carter comes over and sits on the couch next to me, his arm around my shoulders.  
  
"I think the baby..." I can't continue, it hurts so bad.  
  
"When did the pain start?" Susan asks, taking my hand.  
  
"This...this morning" I say quietly...I really should of called someone then...it's got so much worse.  
  
"Abby why didn't you tell me?" Carter says, he sounds kind of angry, but worried.  
  
Susan glances at him with small smirk on her face, and I glance at Susan smiling very slightly.  
  
"You had gone"  
  
"Why didn't you ring?" Susan added  
  
"The pain went, so I didn't bother I thought it was just an ache..."  
  
"Abby, you knew and didn't say anything? You were an OB nurse...." Carter began.  
  
"Look" I say stopping them both from talking; the pain has subsided for the moment.  
  
"I'm going into labour here, a month early and all you two are ready to do is lecture me...can we just step back into reality and realise that I'm having a flipping Baby right now!?"  
  
Susan and Carter share an exasperated glance and then look back at me.  
  
Susan stands up and heads for the door." I'll ring OB"  
  
"Yeah whatever" I sigh making to get up but failing miserably.  
  
"Here" Carter gets up and opens out his hands for me to grab onto. I manage to stand, but somehow, fall into an embrace.  
  
"I'm scared," I whisper  
  
"That's okay, you'll be fine" He replies tightening the hug.  
  
"Do you realise..." he adds  
  
"What?" I say craning my neck to look up at him.  
  
"You're having a baby"  
  
"Well duh!" I joke as best I can right now.  
  
"No I meant...OUR baby, you and me...how amazing is that?" He sounds almost awestruck.  
  
"Amazing" I repeat "Carter" I whisper  
  
"What?"  
  
"I really do think we should get up stairs."  
  
And with those last few words, I reach up and kiss him lightly, breaking away I smile.  
  
We're both ready to bring a brand new life into the world, and start afresh together.  
  
Now give me this mountainside// Cool water to lie beside// Give me these too strong eyes to the difference between truth and lies// Now give me this feeling when you kiss me baby every day and every night// That's all I need yes everything is gonna be all right// 


End file.
